Self Regulation is a non-negotiable.

Hey you,

Lets settle in for some real talk, I hope you’ve got a cup of tea in hand for this one….For so many years of my life I was unaware that I was in charge of my self regulation. Not only in charge of it but entirely and solely responsible for it. It is crazy when I think of that now, the not knowing part.

I had always kind of assumed that someone would come and rescue me from the too muchness of the world, a knight in white shining armour, or preferrably, a fairy godmother who would wave a magic wand and make the icky, uncomfortable bits of life just magically go away. But the truth is, the saying that ‘happiness is an inside job’ could also be, ‘self-regulation is an inside job’ and that means, it’s down to you. And as a highly sensitive HSP, I know how hard this can be, especially when you are overwhelmed, burnt out and teetering on the edge. I know, because I have had to claw my way out of my own overwhelming world many many times and that means, digging deep. Really really digging super, duper extra fricken deep.

In a world often not made for us, a world where we are sensorily challenged, we must dig deep and remember the essence of who we are. what we are and what we are capable of. May I take a moment to remind you that research leads towards the idea that the reason 20-30% of the population are HSP’s is that in a small community, or tribal world of past, HSP’s would be the ones who kept their communities safe, fine-tuned to detect danger through their exquisite sensitivity, alert to the slightest energy change in the air, the slightest difference in temperature or smell, a shift in the wind or through intuitive knowing; our heightened senses noticing the smallest and tiniest change in order that we could alert our people to danger, obstacles and challenges… so whilst we are wired to be alert, we must remember that we are also equipt to handle whatever comes our way. Remembering this in a world that is not made for the sensitive means digging deep and then having the tools to dig yourself out. In this modern world where community is lacking and support is scarce, the simple truth is that you have to be able to rescue yourself.

I know this because I’ve lived it.

I have navigated chronic illness, divorce, the loss of all but a few friends (thanks to my divorce - and yes, I mean this genuinely, nothing like a divorce to really shine a light on who your real friends are and who are not worth your precious energy and time - but more on that in another post! ), lost my home, lost both my parents within a short period of time, all whilst being in the midst of a 5 year law suit, whilst raising a 2 year old and a 5 year old. And i’ll be honest, thats just the parts I’m sharing. Lets not get into the financial worries, the hospital stints, the managing of a small business, a new relationship …… And I remember sitting on the steps to the River Thames, crying after a panic attack, my children tucked up in bed at our temporary housing and realising that no one was coming to rescue us. That it was down to me. And the only way I was going to get us through and out the other side was if I could regulate myself enough that I didn’t go into freeze, meltdown or burnout. So that I could pause and find a moment to think and create solutions to very real problems. So that I could remain anchored not just for myself but for my children who also needed stability that only a mother can bring. So that’s what I did. And it was hard. It was so hard. But I did what my auntie told me to do when my mother passed away and I was deep in grief, when I needed her the most, when the roots of my tree had been cut away….. I asked her “how do I keep moving forward?” and she simply replied, “You put one foot in front of the other, and you keep walking”. What an HSP needs to understand is that can only be done with a regulated nervous system.

Imagine it like this, as an HSP you wake each morning with an almost full pot, where other people may wake with an empty pot to be filled, an HSP just needs to wake and their pot is already almost filled by the world around them, their senses on alert by all the sounds and smells and energy surrounding them. And when you start your day with an already almost completely full pot, the next few droplets of life drama is sure to make you spill over. Now imagine being able to self regulate, being the spoon that can little by little take out small spoonfuls of overwhelm from the pot so that you don’t bubble over. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Having the ability to make space and comfort your own nervous system? This is why I think self regulation is not only important but an absolute non-negotiable, it is as essential as the air you breathe as an HSP to stop you spilling over.

So what did I do to self regulate? Lets unpack the helpful part…….

I remember crying a lot and allowing myself to release all the tension in my body. When I cry (and shout, lets be honest), as an HSP it feels devastating, the feelings are so big it feels at times as if you will never recover, but, actually what it is doing is allowing the pent up energy to be released from your body. It is a way to expel all the icky feelings, and in doing so, for me anyway, it takes the lid off the pressure pot and that means that I am slightly less sensitive, my nervous system is slightly less on high alert and it gives me capacity to pause, even for a moment.

The next thing is to rest whenever you can. Some people thrive in peace and quiet, others thrive with loud music (oh the beautiful complexities of life as an HSP), some just need to close their eyes and shut out the stimulation of the visual world. Whatever it is, take moments of rest, moments of pause. Sometimes a moment is all you can get, sometimes a moment is all you need. I will add however that when you are extremely overwhelmed, expect that it can take days, sometimes weeks or even longer to regulate and recover your nervous system. But listen, I’ve got you friend, if we can just get some self regulation going before this point of complete burn out then quite frankly, we are winning.

Move your body, whatever that looks like for you, running, hitting the gym or simply stretching or hoovering. I do some of my best cleaning when I am overwhelmed, unless I am super overwhelmed and in retreat, that’s when sometimes it’s just going for a gentle walk. This is about E-MOTION, energy in motion, shift the energy out and through your body in a safe, healthy way. I build dancing into my week, not only does it move energy but it also reconnects me to my body, my sensuality and my feminine power.

Create an escape route. I don’t mean literally run away (although the urge to this can be very strong!), but taking a mental break is amazing for me. This sometimes looks like day dreaming (not to be confused with issues surrounding disassociation where consistent and vivid escape from reality needs support) but the day dreaming where for a moment you can visualise a beach or mountain top and can breathe in the peace and tranquility that brings to the nervous system. Maybe it’s visualising the best outcome from a difficult situation or just visualising being held and supported. As you know, I am a huge fan of meditation however when feeling extremely tender or overwhelmed, I would suggest doing shorted guided meditations to help soothe the nervous system but to also keep you present, safe and held. Check out the library for a free guided meditation.

But here is my absolute favourite. And you know this was coming because I’m EFT obsessed, having used it with clients and myself over almost 2 decades and having witnessed exceptional and undeniable life changing results.

EFT is the mother of all the self regulating tools in my deep pockets. It is called EFT, Emotional Freedon Technique because it is just that. It is the road map to emotional freedom. Tapping is the most effective form of self regulation that I know. Find yourself a wonderful practitioner who is trauma informed, well trained, loving and supportive and you will be in good hands. You will learn a tool you can apply to your own life whenever you need it. Right there in your fingertips. And how crazy is this, just thinking about tapping on your end meridian points can create the same effect of regulation in the body. Intention is everything but mixed with scientific evidence and you have the powerhouse of all therapies. EFT has saved me over and over again. I’ve got a short video in the library for S.O.S tapping but for deep work, find someone you trust or drop me an email and book in a session. I’ve got you.

Ps, Not a sales pitch. I’m rubbish at those anyway. Just me, holding out a hand to you in the way others have held their hands out to me. Sometimes we need solutions, we need options, we need hope.

Love Me x