Self Regulation is a non-negotiable.

Hey you,

Lets settle in for some real talk, I hope you’ve got a cup of tea in hand for this one….For so many years of my life I was unaware that I was in charge of my self regulation. Not only in charge of it but entirely and solely responsible for it. It is crazy when I think of that now, the not knowing part.

I had always kind of assumed that someone would come and rescue me from the too muchness of the world, a knight in white shining armour, or preferrably, a fairy godmother who would wave a magic wand and make the icky, uncomfortable bits of life just magically go away. But the truth is, the saying that ‘happiness is an inside job’ could also be, ‘self-regulation is an inside job’ and that means, it’s down to you. And as a highly sensitive HSP, I know how hard this can be, especially when you are overwhelmed, burnt out and teetering on the edge. I know, because I have had to claw my way out of my own overwhelming world many many times and that means, digging deep. Really really digging super, duper extra fricken deep.

In a world often not made for us, a world where we are sensorily challenged, we must dig deep and remember the essence of who we are. what we are and what we are capable of. May I take a moment to remind you that research leads towards the idea that the reason 20-30% of the population are HSP’s is that in a small community, or tribal world of past, HSP’s would be the ones who kept their communities safe, fine-tuned to detect danger through their exquisite sensitivity, alert to the slightest energy change in the air, the slightest difference in temperature or smell, a shift in the wind or through intuitive knowing; our heightened senses noticing the smallest and tiniest change in order that we could alert our people to danger, obstacles and challenges… so whilst we are wired to be alert, we must remember that we are also equipt to handle whatever comes our way. Remembering this in a world that is not made for the sensitive means digging deep and then having the tools to dig yourself out. In this modern world where community is lacking and support is scarce, the simple truth is that you have to be able to rescue yourself.

I know this because I’ve lived it.

I have navigated chronic illness, divorce, the loss of all but a few friends (thanks to my divorce - and yes, I mean this genuinely, nothing like a divorce to really shine a light on who your real friends are and who are not worth your precious energy and time - but more on that in another post! ), lost my home, lost both my parents within a short period of time, all whilst being in the midst of a 5 year law suit, whilst raising a 2 year old and a 5 year old. And i’ll be honest, thats just the parts I’m sharing. Lets not get into the financial worries, the hospital stints, the managing of a small business, a new relationship …… And I remember sitting on the steps to the River Thames, crying after a panic attack, my children tucked up in bed at our temporary housing and realising that no one was coming to rescue us. That it was down to me. And the only way I was going to get us through and out the other side was if I could regulate myself enough that I didn’t go into freeze, meltdown or burnout. So that I could pause and find a moment to think and create solutions to very real problems. So that I could remain anchored not just for myself but for my children who also needed stability that only a mother can bring. So that’s what I did. And it was hard. It was so hard. But I did what my auntie told me to do when my mother passed away and I was deep in grief, when I needed her the most, when the roots of my tree had been cut away….. I asked her “how do I keep moving forward?” and she simply replied, “You put one foot in front of the other, and you keep walking”. What an HSP needs to understand is that can only be done with a regulated nervous system.

Imagine it like this, as an HSP you wake each morning with an almost full pot, where other people may wake with an empty pot to be filled, an HSP just needs to wake and their pot is already almost filled by the world around them, their senses on alert by all the sounds and smells and energy surrounding them. And when you start your day with an already almost completely full pot, the next few droplets of life drama is sure to make you spill over. Now imagine being able to self regulate, being the spoon that can little by little take out small spoonfuls of overwhelm from the pot so that you don’t bubble over. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Having the ability to make space and comfort your own nervous system? This is why I think self regulation is not only important but an absolute non-negotiable, it is as essential as the air you breathe as an HSP to stop you spilling over.

So what did I do to self regulate? Lets unpack the helpful part…….

I remember crying a lot and allowing myself to release all the tension in my body. When I cry (and shout, lets be honest), as an HSP it feels devastating, the feelings are so big it feels at times as if you will never recover, but, actually what it is doing is allowing the pent up energy to be released from your body. It is a way to expel all the icky feelings, and in doing so, for me anyway, it takes the lid off the pressure pot and that means that I am slightly less sensitive, my nervous system is slightly less on high alert and it gives me capacity to pause, even for a moment.

The next thing is to rest whenever you can. Some people thrive in peace and quiet, others thrive with loud music (oh the beautiful complexities of life as an HSP), some just need to close their eyes and shut out the stimulation of the visual world. Whatever it is, take moments of rest, moments of pause. Sometimes a moment is all you can get, sometimes a moment is all you need. I will add however that when you are extremely overwhelmed, expect that it can take days, sometimes weeks or even longer to regulate and recover your nervous system. But listen, I’ve got you friend, if we can just get some self regulation going before this point of complete burn out then quite frankly, we are winning.

Move your body, whatever that looks like for you, running, hitting the gym or simply stretching or hoovering. I do some of my best cleaning when I am overwhelmed, unless I am super overwhelmed and in retreat, that’s when sometimes it’s just going for a gentle walk. This is about E-MOTION, energy in motion, shift the energy out and through your body in a safe, healthy way. I build dancing into my week, not only does it move energy but it also reconnects me to my body, my sensuality and my feminine power.

Create an escape route. I don’t mean literally run away (although the urge to this can be very strong!), but taking a mental break is amazing for me. This sometimes looks like day dreaming (not to be confused with issues surrounding disassociation where consistent and vivid escape from reality needs support) but the day dreaming where for a moment you can visualise a beach or mountain top and can breathe in the peace and tranquility that brings to the nervous system. Maybe it’s visualising the best outcome from a difficult situation or just visualising being held and supported. As you know, I am a huge fan of meditation however when feeling extremely tender or overwhelmed, I would suggest doing shorted guided meditations to help soothe the nervous system but to also keep you present, safe and held. Check out the library for a free guided meditation.

But here is my absolute favourite. And you know this was coming because I’m EFT obsessed, having used it with clients and myself over almost 2 decades and having witnessed exceptional and undeniable life changing results.

EFT is the mother of all the self regulating tools in my deep pockets. It is called EFT, Emotional Freedon Technique because it is just that. It is the road map to emotional freedom. Tapping is the most effective form of self regulation that I know. Find yourself a wonderful practitioner who is trauma informed, well trained, loving and supportive and you will be in good hands. You will learn a tool you can apply to your own life whenever you need it. Right there in your fingertips. And how crazy is this, just thinking about tapping on your end meridian points can create the same effect of regulation in the body. Intention is everything but mixed with scientific evidence and you have the powerhouse of all therapies. EFT has saved me over and over again. I’ve got a short video in the library for S.O.S tapping but for deep work, find someone you trust or drop me an email and book in a session. I’ve got you.

Ps, Not a sales pitch. I’m rubbish at those anyway. Just me, holding out a hand to you in the way others have held their hands out to me. Sometimes we need solutions, we need options, we need hope.

Love Me x

Honour thyself.

Dearest you,

It has been a week full of new adventures including the launch of an immersive mala making & sound experience with my dearest friend Philly. It was such a beautiful experience of creating nervous system regulation through a healing soundscape, a hands-on, tactile, meditative and creative process, whilst being supported in a energy field of calming scents and cultivated pauses. It was 3 hours of bliss.

For some, the process of dream building this event into creation would have been a step by step, calculated process, a super efficient machine like process but for the HSP’s like Philly and I it was the culmination of dreams, laughter, friendship and faith. It was learning how to lean into our sensitivities so as not to freeze and being a support for each other to allow the process to flow with ease and joy. Our sensitivities meant that we were able to communicate in a way that others perhaps could not, we could feel what the other was feeling and lean deeply into understanding what we each needed to bring the dream to life. It was about feeling safe and anchored enough to be able to create with pure love and joy. The result of this union was an event that was exactly as we dreamed it would be.

And knowing my own sensitivity, I knew that once the event was completed, I needed to clear my diary for a day. A day where I could process, release, clear, cleanse, settle and calm. By honouring ourselves and the season of hibernation, we not only created a nest for others in the world, but, we then created a nest to come back home and rest in for ourselves.

Honouring myself post event was coming home to beautiful roses, a cup of tea and a chocolate. After a dance class to shake off any fizzy energy, and after a lot of joyful messaging with Philly, I ended my day having a long hot shower and wrapping myself in a snuggly robe, it was slow cooking a beef stew and cuddling with my cat whilst it simmered and bubbled. Lit by candlelight, it was nesting myself in the warmth of my husbands embrace. It was being unapologetic about being quiet the next day, about going at my own pace and still doing the packed lunches and all the jobs that needed to be done…. but it was slow, considered, pausing for small moments. It was nesting at its best.

The old me would have taken 3 or 4 days of pushing through the discomfort and then feeling the effects of burn out. But this me, knows better. She knows how to have a voice and gives herself permission to express what she needs, she bends and flows like water in the river, she is no longer rigid in expectation but a force of self love.

Cultivating a life that feels easier and more peaceful as an HSP means discovering yourself, knowing yourself and honouring yourself. Its about finding your people and letting yourself be loved, seen and accepted in the way you love, see and accept others.

That is where the magic lies. That is were you become your own greatest gift.

Celebrating you sweet friend,

Me x

Finding a moment

Dearest one,

I have been feeling all the feelings with the festive season. It follows an intense year of shedding (Year of the snake kept its word) and I found myself waking up one morning, dreading the day ahead. A day of obligation, doing all the things, organising all the things, attending all the things and inevitably masking through it all ……

So a took a rare moment. A pause. And I dragged myself from my bed to the balcony windows. I opened the curtains, opened the window and breathed in the cold frosty air. It was like drinking in a breath of something that words cannot describe but that soothed my soul like a magical elixir of faith, hope and surrender.

And as I felt the sunlight on my face and my body began to settle, I was inspired to write a reminder to myself of the blessing that I can reach, right here, right now and in any moment. My note is shared with you now….

There is a peace that comes from still winter mornings.

The kind of peace that is unlike any other.

Where dappled sunlight peers through the wintering branches of the giant oaks, where the sound of birdsong is more tender and fleeting, where even the sight of warm air coming out a chimney top carries the song of a whispering stillness.

The soul remembering and anchoring into winters past.

It is a magical kind of thing.

And a reminder that being alive is the entire blessing.

That everything is transient but in perfect cyclical balance.

There is a magic in the air. I feel it. 

From my heart to yours, Me xx

A Winter Blessing.

My dear friend,

A winter blessing for your sweet soul. For the days that feel heavy, for the nights that are endlessly long. When you need a comforting hug in the form of tender words. This is for you. . . .

May your open heart be filled with the essence of true love and self acceptance.

May you know the power of self worth and may you shine in the light of your starlit glow.

May you always remember the light that shines within and have the courage to keep the fire lit,

Following your passion, your desire and your biggest dreams…

And mostly, may you always bask in your heart song which forever sings the melody of your soul.

With a full heart, Me xx

Surrender.

Dear Friend,

I’ve been sitting with a lingering thought and in true HSP style, sometimes processing the thoughts, feelings and emotions (because none exist without the others) is easier done on paper/keypad. So bear with me as I try to articulate this the best way that I can. Grab a cuppa, this may take a minute….

Someone recently asked me for a solution to some big things that were happening in their life and the best advice I could give was to ‘surrender’. But then she asked me “what does that even mean?!” in an exasperated voice and that really threw me. I mean how could she not know how to surrender? How could she not understand? It is my absolute go to when I don’t have a simple solution to a problem…. you just surrender.

So then, once I got past the WTF moment, I realised something. As a highly sensitive person there are an enormous amount of times when the decision to surrender is not only the best option, but the only option. When your sensory world becomes too much or feelings become too much or just the simple too muchness of situations becomes too much, sometimes you have to lean into surrender. I realised in the midst of that conversation that surrender was not something that everyone had to practice and that blew my mind. For some people, surrender was not life giving. Surrender just wasnt even a thing. For me it is everything and it’s a constant practice that is life preserving. But lets take a moment here because we are sitting in authenticity and reality, and the truth is that exploring this subject has left me feeling a little uneasy…. is that the word? I’m not sure. Maybe its the simple realisation that there are people in the world who don’t have to rely on surrendering in the hope it will take them out of fight, flight freeze. Some people just don’t get activated in the same way by their sensitivity (80% of the population according to statistics) and my brain just really struggles to compute that. Maybe uneasy isn’t the right word. I mean, I love my sensitivity in all the beauty it brings but I guess there is a very small part of me that feels frustrated that I have to work my way down and out of big feelings, and others… well, they just don’t. That in itself takes a moment. A breath and a release.

*deep breath in, deep breath out……*

Okay my friend, lets look at surrender.

It is not an act of giving up, it is an act of faith. It is choosing faith over fear.

Faith in its truest form, without any religious connotation. It is simply the absolute, unwavering belief that everything is happening in the right space and time, often for reasons we don’t know or understand yet and that everything will work out for the highest good of all concerned.

To surrender and have faith means being able to let go. Let go of controlling the outcome and settling into trust. Trust in a higher power, in God, the Universe, in whatever you believe. Trust.

Faith and Trust = Surrender.

I have had to cultivate both faith and trust even when they have been hard to come by. Listen, I’ve got through a lot of hard stuff. A LOT. And when things are hard, faith and trust can be hard to come by, but you have to dig deep, lean in, ask for guidance, ask for a sign, I pray and ask for guidance and then I meditate and open myself to receive. I accept and welcome miracles but even then at times, I get challenged and my conscious mind tries to control everything in a bid to feel safe. And in those times I remind myself that even in the worst of times, I have survived, and not just survived but always grown through the lessons I received. Even when I come out the other side, hair frazzled, emotionally spent, mind frayed at the edges and look like I have been dragged out the wreckage, I survived.

Faith and Trust. Surrender. That’s it.

Take a breath, you’ve got this friend.

Love, Me xx

The Beginning.

Dear reader,

I have been sitting with the idea of writing my first letter for some time, weeks in fact. Every time I thought about it my mind and body would go into FREEZE (my occasionally annoying conditioned go to when things get sticky). So I did what I do, I retreated into my turtle shell until it felt safe enough to feel into the feelings and ask myself why this was showing up for me. And then one night at about 2am when I was woken by my super power skill of rising to full alert at the sound of a pin drop, I received the answer. I was in freeze because if I did what I really wanted to do with these letters, if I followed my true vision, my hearts desire…. I would be vunerable and THAT was scary.

As an HSP I have always rather liked not having to share too much of my complex, private and intricate inner world, and suddenly I was asking myself to share it with the digital universe and that meant I had to lean deeply into being brave. To step out into the world with all my complexity, mask-less, with my fears and insecurities on full display and no amount of Brene Brown on repeat in my mind saying “There is no courage without vulnerability”, would move me through the big feelings that were showing up. And then one afternoon I opened a cupboard and found a box of letters. Proper licked stamp postage, old school, doodled on, scribbled with crossings outs, dramatic capital letters and squiggly hand drawn letters, and my heart opened.

I was flooded with joy and comfort, laughter and tears, re-reading these little notes from friends, old boyfriends, my penpal in Scotland and a few other random souls who had touched my heart throughout the years. I remembered the way I became giddy with excitement when I saw a letter with my name on it arrive on our boarding school hallway table. I remembered that when times were tough (and oh my goodness they got tough), one of the things that kept me going were the letters I wrote and the letters I received and it was this remembering that moved me into picking up a pen and pad at 4am to start writing this letter to you. To you, my new and already cherished friend. To you who may need a dose of connection with someone just like you, who feels the world like you.

I didn’t want to write about the usual generic ‘hints and tips for HSP’s', I was sick of the standard social media educational ‘know hows’, I was tired of the predictable instagram HSP posts, I was fed up of reading AI written blogs about what it is to be a highly sensitive human. I wanted the truth out there, all of it, in all its human glory. I wanted human connection through authenticity and truth and I knew that if I could move through the discomfort of sharing it all, I could impact the life of someone else who needed the same. And if I touched a single heart, I could make a difference in someones world.

And so heart notes was born.

Yes I will share many of the teachings I have learnt over the decades as a therapist and coach, yes, I will try to back up what I know with what I know, and lean into all the things I have learnt in my quest for deep spiritual knowledge, but my ultimate intention is to be authentic and real. And that means, it is likely to be imperfect and at times it may be messy and ugly and jeeze, it’s going to feel vulnerable. But I am all in. Because you my friend, you are my reason.

We may be living in a digital world but these letters are from my very human, highly sensitive, beating heart to yours.

And so it begins.

Love, Me x